Unity Center
in western North Carolina

A man wants to buy a new house for his family. Another man wants his relationship to work. A woman wants to be able to make it on her own. A child wants to be an astronaut. So, what’s standing in their way?

If you answered "nothing!" you were very close. I used to think that there were mountains of obstacles towering between me and my goals, that every time I set a goal for myself, or dreamed "the impossible dream," it was just that, or at best, the unlikely dream. I have a new vocabulary now, and the replacement word for obstacles is considerations.

I was watching my three year old grandson, Ezra, one day, and I noticed that when he wants some "thing" on the other side of the room, he goes and gets it. "So!" you say. Well, he always empties the toy chest, first off, when he comes to my house. So, the other side of the room is like a major challenge to the most advanced of mountain climbers. But, I just watch in amazement as he scales over rocking horse, and weaves like a drunken man as he trips across loose Legos, balls, HotWheels and the like. Each object is no more than a consideration to him: "Over? Under? Around? Through?" He just deals with it as he comes to it, and his focus never wavers from his intended result: getting his hands on that "thing" across the room.

What happens with me is my ego kicks in, I tell myself that my obstacles are adult size; money, time, "real" issues, you know. So, what am I saying: I have justification for not reaching my goals? Is that a set up for failure, or what? What if I take a tip from a three-year-old and look at my "obstacles" as simply considerations?

Here’s what that looks like. Let’s say my goal is buying a new car. What are the considerations? Money! Okay, do I need more income than I currently make to pull this off? If so, I get a better job, or another part time job. Maybe I can sell some things in my possession that I would love to thin out anyway. Maybe I can advertise on the internet, "Make a poor man rich; send $1.00 to ..."; this is why we have creativity. When I look deep inside to see what really matters to me, I often discover that my true goal is something like: to be able to commute, economically and efficiently. The desire to have a new car is just an ego-generated secondary goal of "looking good" and doesn’t really line up with my true goal.

Write this down: "My vision and commitments dictate my actions and ways of being."

When I let my fears, my ego, my impulses influence my choices, I notice that it takes a heck of a lot longer to get where I’m going. If Ezra stops to play with the train, he may never make it across the room. He loses sight his original goal and often doesn’t come back to it. Does that ring a bell for anybody?

Like my grandson, I can just handle what ever needs to be handled, when my goals are that important to me. When the considerations become obstacles, I find that I’m really dealing with some other issues that need clearing.

When you hear the term self-worth, do you tell yourself "I’m basically a good person; I deserve a good life!" or "Hey! If someone gave me a million bucks, I wouldn’t have a problem accepting it!" or something similar?

You tell yourself that you are worthy, and yet sometimes, like when people pay you a compliment, you still respond with "Oh, it was nothing" or "You would have done the same thing." The compliment is about you and turning it around to make it about them is usually an indication that you are feeling some discomfort about your worthiness.

Maybe it seems honorable and unselfish to avoid making them feel inferior, but that’s really just a story that you are making up. There is no reason for them to feel inferior if you say "thank you." Better yet, try "Why, thank you; the results I am getting are indicative of the commitment and energy I have put into this."

And, if you want to give them a little extra gold nugget of wisdom, you can add "I believe that anyone who is committed and focused on creating something for themselves, certainly increases the possibility of achieving similar results." A response like this shows that you accept responsibility for creating your results. Worthiness is not even a question. You know how the game works and you play to win.

I'm hungry for feedback! If you want to become strong, powerful, adaptable, influential, loving, well-loved, admired, and feel so good inside that you literally get up everyday and shout "God! I love life!," then you, too, must develop an insatiable appetite for this delicacy called feedback. Feedback is information that you gather that tells where you are -- invaluable for determining if you need to shift, or make adjustments, in order to get where you are intending to go.

The best way to cultivate it is simply to ask everyone you meet, especially those in relationship with you, how you are showing up in their lives: "As a -- father, mother, brother, sister, friend, aunt, uncle, co-worker, teammate, husband, wife, lover, roommate, neighbor, stranger-that-you-just-met, etc. -- what is your experience of me?" "What do you feel when I’m in your space?" Your inquisition is to come across as very sincere, so as to evoke an honest, open, from-the-heart type of response. You may choose to share that your reason for this discussion is so that you may gain the insight necessary to become the best person that you can be, a veritable "10" in the context of relationship.

I welcome your feedback. Email me at: honeysucklehollow@earthlink.net. -- Bon appetit!

In past issues, I’ve discussed: Considerations, those little things that we tell ourselves are between us and our goals; Self-worth, the big internal consideration; and Feedback, our readily available gauge for how we’re doing, or where we are in relationship to where we intended to go. The next crucial step in living a life of our own design, is Integrity, or maintaining course.

If "Ask and ye shall receive!" is a universal truth, then where is my perfect relationship?... Where are my riches?... And where is my world peace? Have you ever wondered about this?

Have you ever recorded everything you said in a 24-hour period? Can you imagine how confused the universe must be about what you really want? See if this request resonates with you: Dear Universe, please grant me infallible patience... but, if I really get pissed off, please grant me the personal power to express my resentments effectively... and, if things don’t always go my way, grant me understanding... but, please understand that I do want things to go a certain way... oh, and if I could win just one argument with my spouse, I’d be eternally grateful.

With this kind of consistency, the all-knowing universe may very well grant you a day like this: You have an abundance of opportunities to practice patience, all day long; and you get to express your frustrations, almost as if they were second nature; you have an uncanny understanding of where other people are coming from, so it’s no wonder you attempt to straighten them out; and, like magic, every time you say to your spouse, "You win!" she/he tells you, "You’re right!"

Integrity is about being very distinct about what really matters to you; and sticking to it.

Often, we say money matters, but what we really want is the freedom it will buy. Often, we say power matters, but what we really want is the security and peace of mind that comes with being powerful. We may even say a hot babe matters, but what we really want is to love and be loved.

So, here’s the homework: Look into your heart and see what really matters to you -- and don’t stop at hot babes and big bucks; break it down as far as you can, to its essence. For each thing that you think you want, ask yourself, "If I had that, then what would be possible?" "And then, if I had that, what would be possible?" ... and keep going until you reveal your true fundamental want.

Next, define for yourself: What is a life worth living? If all of your fundamental wants were being fulfilled, what kind of life would you be living? What would it look like? What would you be doing? How would you be being?... Your feelings?... Demeanor?... Attitude? Fill in as many of the details as you can, as if this was your third wish. Begin living this life, now! If you want to be like Jesus, live like Jesus. If you want to be like Gary Cooper, live like Gary Cooper. If you want to be your greatest aspiration, then you must live the life of someone who would have that in their life.

Beware of your cunning ego. When you miss the mark, acknowledge your lesson learned and get back on track; this is part of the process. Be careful not to trade off your integrity for side-tracks. Watch out for things like egocentric tendencies to please others; you may sacrifice your authenticity -- your true feelings and ways of being -- and, once again, confuse the heck out of the Universal Wish Fulfillment Center. You were born to be you; be the best you that you can be. Let others, to their own selves, be true.

Your word defines your integrity. Think about how often we give our word about something, then justify not keeping it. We tell ourselves that it really wasn’t that important, this time; or that it doesn’t matter, in this case; or so-and-so will understand. When we do this sort of side-stepping, what are we telling the universe -- and ourselves -- about the importance of our word? Do we only mean what we say, sometimes? Is it your experience that this type of inconsistency moves you forward, or impedes your effectiveness in life? Do you only get what you want sometimes? Is the trade-off worth it? Again, what do you really want?

Last issue, I mentioned a couple of principles: "I cause everything!" and "If it’s to be, it’s up to me!"

We are responsible for what’s showing up in our lives, be it through our actions, or through our indifference.

An extraordinary life is caused by extraordinary living. Integrity, consistently, is the most direct route to effective living. Gandhi said "Be the change you wish to see in the world." To give it more personal value, I would add "Be the change you wish to see in your own life; in your relationships, in your family, in your workplace, in your community."

(More on the Authentic Self, next issue.)

~Dave De la Rosa is a guitarist/singer/songwriter for our Unitic Band and for Picante! He & his wife, Jan, run Honeysuckle Hollow on Main Street in Hendersonville.