With all the self-help materials: books, tapes, videos, seminars, and such, available to us, we now have a mega-resource of useful tools for creating a life of peace, success, and abundance. One needs only to apply any number of the techniques or ideas to get life-changing results.

One tool that I grab frequently, as an all-purpose fix-all, is the principle "DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONAL!" It always amazes me how many times I find that my frustration in a given situation is, in some form, based on the fact that I am personalizing some aspect of it. What this suggests to me, is simply to stop thinking that a situation is all about me, and to consider some non-personal possibilities.

Have you ever played The Traffic Game? You are either going to work, coming home from work, or trying to make it to an appointment or event on time. Traffic is moving rather slowly when, out of the corner of your eye, you notice that someone appears to be in a hurry. They are weaving in and out of every available space, whether it’s big enough to accommodate their vehicle or not. You probably have noticed that some of the cars seem to quickly close the gap as the menacing driver approaches. Soon, it is your turn to react. Do you, also, hug the bumper of the car in front of you, hoping to thwart the offensive driver’s advance?? And what sort of feelings do you have if the driver is able to get in front of you?? Or, do you consider that, perhaps this person is dealing with some sort of emergency? And do you, then, help this person out by slowing down to give them plenty of space, much as you would for an ambulance?

What would it take to make this kind of shift in your interpretation of events in your life? How would it effect your disposition? How would you feel about yourself, thinking that you had just helped someone out who was in desperate need, as opposed to thinking that you had just stopped some jerk from victimizing everyone on the road? For me, I often find that triumph - even though we do like to win - is laced with a bit of anxiety, or tension; possibly a primal empathetic sensing. Whereas, I always feel great after giving assistance to someone I have interpreted as being in need.

Similarly, when dealing with family members, or relationships at work, I find it is much more rewarding to assist in a success, or in solving a problem, than to right a wrong, or to maintain a status. Amusingly, the only real difference is my own choice of perspective. When I personalize it, I’m usually asking myself "What are they doing to me?" or "What does this say about me?" When I de-personalize it, I’m usually asking "What can I do to be helpful and forwarding in this situation?"

In a different type of situation, where one is perhaps being conspicuously obnoxious, it is also valuable to not take it personal. Behavior is self-incriminating. It says "This is who I am. It is absolutely not about you." Your reaction, then, becomes your self-incriminating statement. Remember this childhood rhyme: "I’m rubber, you’re glue; whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you." An even more conscious version may be "I’m human, and so are you; what I say and do speaks of me, and what you say and do speaks of you."

Really, don’t take anything personal. Behavior and stuff happens, and there is always an opportunity for a heart-opening experience. Often, in the beginning, there is resistance to what we interpret as obtrusive stimuli - and sometimes it may even seem appropriate - but resistance creates more resistance. It is out-flowing love that ultimately creates change and transforms relationships.

~Dave De la Rosa is guitarist/singer/songwriter for our Unitic Band and for Picante! He & his wife, Jan, run Honeysuckle Hollow on Main Street in Hendersonville.