No doubt we all want it, sometimes desperately crave it, on our knees begging for it, but do we fully understand it? By that I mean, it looks good from all outside appearances, like a chocolate from a Whitman’s Sampler box. However, that scrumptious piece of candy may be cloaking an unfortunate center…a wad of crevice-seeking coconut that cannot ever fully evacuate one’s mouth; that gummy raspberry goop that does not diminish with chewing; or plain old caramel that makes me feel somehow cheated.

Could it possibly be true that ever-popular forgiveness has a down side?

Admittedly, I had been considering this for some time. It began years ago, that pit of the stomach intuition when I felt like I was doing the right thing, the bigger self thing, yet somehow came out feeling a little bit slimy. Kind of flimsy logic for me to initially start taking jabs at a spiritual superstar, right? Nothing very theological, metaphysical, or hermeneutical, about my approach. Just a feeling, a hunch, that maybe I had accepted the party line where good old forgiveness was concerned.

Maybe it escaped the doctrinal housecleaning party I had treated myself to 14 years earlier. Everything was thrown out as I began embarking on a new path, building a very personalized belief system, but now I realize that forgiveness seemed too innocuous to be anything less that it appeared to be on the surface… integral, positive, above reproach. So, I left it alone.

A library of books and a church full of sermons later, I discovered some thought-provoking ideas on the sacrosanct subject. One of my favorite authors declares that forgiveness is the key to everything, from all human interaction to restoring our understanding that we are not, and never have been, separated from God. That message encouraged me greatly, as I committed his special forgiveness prayer to memory, and uttered it countless times each day. But at some point I stopped. It was the point when that slimy feeling started to creep up on me again.

Another spiritual icon caught my attention with his daily affirmation to forgive everyone for everything, and then proceed with the remainder of the day, with a clean conscience, that chore having been accomplished. Wow, that was appealing, both in its simplicity, and ability to resolve my spiritual duty. I could then smile the day away with the knowledge that I was right with the world... or was I? Again with the nagging thoughts that would not let me lapse into righteous complacency. All I desired, was to be able to forgive people and then feel good about it. Was that too much to ask?

How could something so positive be tinged with negative energy on my part? Was my over-active mind deceiving me? I knew it could not be trusted. So I tried to listen more to my heart. What was I feeling, and what was inciting these feelings? It would be egotistical of me to say that I was now completely immune to 36 years of Protestantism, so perhaps the unrest was prompted by my past (once a guilt-ridden Protestant, always a guilt-ridden Protestant). Maybe that overriding desire to be "right" combined with my former, standard issue religious paranoia that I was not quite fully "right," was fueling all this angst. But I did not think so. Nor feel so. So what to do?

Spirituality is probably my favorite subject, and trying to resolve spiritual conundrums is a not-so-private obsession, or a curse, depending on my frame of mind. More often than not, delving into subjects that supercede the physical senses, requires special tools which we all have at our disposal, yet go unused, e.g. contemplation, meditation, spiritual application and observable consistent results. In other words, applying long-term thought to the question at hand (I spent more than five years contemplating the concept of reincarnation).

Clearing one’s mind of all previous notions to make way for new ideas and intuitive thoughts is what I mean by "meditation" as it applies to a particular topic. Then I focus on myriad scenarios and determine how the subject withstands rigorous evaluation, and if it rings true and beneficial in multiple circumstances for everyone. Does it have positive universal application? This is all for my own benefit, of course. I don’t present it to the Holy See for an approving vote.

One belief often demands another, or confirms the next, eventually leading to a collection that gives way to form. Personal beliefs, especially spiritual beliefs, are like Legos. We cannot resist the urge to affix them together to construct some type of structure. My Lego temple is not identical to any one else’s Lego temple, or tower, or helicopter. Beliefs are as individual as our experiences, our upbringing, and the way we reason and deduce. Little wonder no two of us could precisely agree on our detailed favorite breakfast, lunch, and dinner for one day, much less arrive at the same conclusions about the ethereal machinations of an unseen spirit world.

One unseen part of me that has never appeared on any x-ray or MRI, is my ego. Yet it is undeniably there, and I have come to accept it as a very real aspect of me, exerting influence, often in hazardous or spasmodic fashion. Its strength is primal. Its demand for preeminence is legendary. And it is a player in every part of my life, but I’m working on that one. So when I began investigating the validity of forgiveness, I had to consider how it related to my ego, or maybe how my ego reacted to it. The connection was unmistakable.

My concept and practice of forgiveness was stroking my ego. It was making me feel good about me. Assuming the role of judge, kingmaker, holy man, I was bestowing my indulgence on those whom I felt worthy of my pardon for the wrongs which they had committed. In my position of superiority, I chose to extend mercy to those who had erred, thus further elevating myself. How magnanimous of me! Yet my ego insisted that my thoughts and actions were in line with the will of the Universe. My adherence to the biblical admonition of extending forgiveness was proof of my humble, righteous development. Only the truly godly could so freely forgive the spiritually weak and unenlightened.

A mind running wild on self-justification is like a runaway train. It asks for necessary fuel, and we provide, to keep it inexorably chugging along. When we give it what it wants, it, in turn, makes us feel good about ourselves and our actions. So why meddle with a reciprocating system?

For starters, this concept of forgiveness ran diametrically opposite to some of my foundational tenets. Specifically, certain Eastern teachings had led me to the conclusion that there is neither "right" or "wrong" within the world, merely that which "is." My closely held evaluations of "good", "bad", "best", "worst", ad infinitum, I came to see as nothing more than judgments. And upon these judgments and opinions I had bestowed much energy and attachment. My preferences had evolved into personal proclamations for a world as I envisioned it should be, rather than accept the perfection of a world established by a greater intelligence than mine.

So if the world is in an intended state, that functions at all times as it should, where can there be any error, wrong, sin, shortcoming, or fault, that necessitates forgiveness? Though I might not understand the intricate actions and consequences of six billion people, and even be inclined to my personal judgments regarding what my ego deems as best, or ideal in specific situations, if I truly accept that the world is as it should be, then there is no need for forgiveness.

Ultimately I came to see my views around forgiveness as being entirely based on judgment. At that point I knew that I had been misled by the mind that constantly sought to deem my thoughts and actions "right," while finding most everyone else’s "wrong." Me— benevolent, self sacrificing, well intentioned, big hearted, humanitarian. Them— sneaky, self-serving, conniving, stunted, opportunistic. What an eye-opener to realize how I had been duping myself and lulling myself into a false sense of saintliness.

Who was I to judge? I needed tolerance and mercy as much as anyone. If any judging was to be done, didn’t God alone qualify in that capacity, being the only entity with the benefit of the entire picture, and the only being coming from a perspective of absolute perfection? So I decided to quit playing God, realizing that my fellow sons and daughters of God had no need of my absolution. They are perfect as they are, following their own paths toward a destiny that does not need my approval or comprehension. Rather than judge them to be in need of my forgiveness, or God’s, perhaps the more accurate need is universal acceptance for, and of all.

Who needs forgiveness? Not anyone, in my humble opinion, but if I am misled, please forgive me.