"I’ve always wanted to be somebody. But I see now I should have been more specific." ~Jane Wagner, Playwright

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Two good old boys go bear hunting. They are riding in their pick-up truck down the road to the woods. They go around a curve and see a sign that says, "Bear Left".
So they go home.

A friend told me he wanted me to sing at his funeral.
I said, "Why's that?"
He said "I want the congregation to know there's something worse than death!"

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar'!"

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

• In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
• Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
  Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
• Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
• Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
  The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
  The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
  Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
• Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
• When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
• St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
  He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
  It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
• The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
• One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
• A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot ‘Moses’?"
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiller 'Jesus'."

The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door.

10 minutes later... no centipede.
20 minutes later... no centipede.
30 minutes later... no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"

A man is driving down the highway and passes a state motorcycle officer. The officer notices the man and also sees that he has 4 penguins in the backseat of the car. The officer chases down the car and pulls the man over, and after a short inspection of the vehicle says to the driver "what are you doing with 4 penguins in your car?"

To which the man replies "Just taking them for a ride, officer." Visibly upset, the cop instructs the man to take the penguins to the zoo.

The next day the same man is driving down the same highway and is spotted by the same motorcycle cop. Again the cop gives chase and pulls the car over and upon inspection sees the same 4 penguins in the backseat only this time the penguins are wearing bright colored swim trunks and sun glasses.

The cop, really angry this time, says "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday."

The man smiles and replies "I did! They liked that so much that today I decided to take them to the beach!"

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. BUT..... Two days later..."Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.

It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." - John S. Nichols

"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes." - Anonymous

The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week. "The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at church, so I bought that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

"I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD, Go! . . . . Go! Jesus Christ! Go!

"Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

"There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenager son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why, even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience.

"A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection.

"I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all that love that we had shared so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away.

"Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience. Honk if you love Jesus!!!"

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

A man was lost and had been walking through the Russian forests for about two weeks. Suddenly, in a clearing he saw a synagogue. Tired and weak, he crawled up to the synagogue and collapsed at the entrance. The rabbi found him and nursed him back to health. Feeling better, the man asked the rabbi for directions to the nearest town.

On his way out the backdoor of the synagogue, the man saw a horse. He went back into the synagogue and asked the rabbi, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The rabbi said, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man answered, "Sure, ok." So he got on the horse and said, "Thank God" and the horse started walking.

Then he said, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse started trotting.

Feeling really brave, the man said, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just took off.

Pretty soon the guy saw this cliff coming up and he did everything he could to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembered, "Amen!!"

The horse stopped 4 inches from the cliff. Greatly relieved, the man leaned back in the saddle and said, "Thank God".