On August 16, 1961, while driving a car, I was in a head-on collision. At that time seat belts were new and not in all cars, so I was not wearing a seat belt. I was thrown forward and my throat hit the steering wheel. My larynx (vocal cords) was crushed. Immediately my voice became a whisper. A long year of surgery followed. After numerous surgeries, my surgeon told me that my left vocal cord was paralyzed and that only my right one moved. This produced only a whisper. He also said that I had a 25% to 30% blocked airway due to scar tissue. This resulted in some labored breathing on exertion, but I could still function well enough to become a registered nurse and later marry and have two children.

At the time of the accident, I was a junior in college majoring in speech and drama. No one told me I might need to grieve all the losses I experienced due to the loss of my voice. So I didn't. As a result, 15 years later, I was so depressed I was suicidal and had to be hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital for two months. This was a gift from God, as it was the beginning of my healing, my transformation. Eventually I did go through all the grief and expressed all my feelings that I'd kept locked inside for all those years. It was wonderful to be free of all that emotional pain. I began a healing journey, healing of my body/mind/spirit. It has continued and now, 21 years later, I am experiencing another major healing which I want to share with you.

In June 1997, I was "surfing the net," not looking for anything in particular, just seeing what was out there. I suddenly found myself at the web site of the Voice Disorder Center at the Bowman Gray School of Medicine. I didn't know such a place existed. Of course it got my attention! I was interested in some papers written by a laryngologist, James A. Koufman, M.D., about his procedures for larynx reconstruction. They were obviously written for other surgeons, but I read them anyway; I was so impressed that I sent him an e-mail with a short history to ask if, after 36 years, he thought there was anything he or anyone could do for either my airway or voice. Knowing how busy surgeons are, I didn't really expect an answer, but an hour later I got an e-mail from him. I was shaking so hard when I read it I could hardly breathe. Dr. Koufman said that if, in fact, one of my vocal cords worked, he might be able to help me. He sent me his phone number and said to call for an appointment

I made an appointment for August. During the next few weeks I kept asking God, "why now, after 36 years, are you sending me to this surgeon?" I eventually decided that it didn't really matter why; there was something I was supposed to learn from this and I was willing to be open to whatever it was. I decided to go to see him with no expectations, because whether or not he could help me through surgery, I would learn something.

On August 13th, my husband and I went to Winston-Salem, NC to see him. When I introduced myself, I asked if he remembered how I knew about him. He looked at me with an amused expression and said, "Are you one of those Internet people?" I said yes and asked if he got others through the Internet. He said yes, many and in fact, he had a surgeon flying in from Italy that week for surgery on his vocal cords. He did an endoscopy; looked at my vocal cords via a camera and TV monitor. My husband was with me, watching and when the surgeon pointed out my airway to him he gasped. I could not see so I wondered what he was gasping about. The surgeon made a "still" picture for me. When I saw it, I also gasped. I was shocked! My vocal cords did not look at all like vocal cords. In fact, the surgeon couldn't really see the lines defining them for all the scar tissue. The greatest shock was that my airway is now 85% blocked!! He said I don't have a choice, I must have surgery. This is potentially life threatening because there is no way of knowing how long it will be before it closes up all the way and I won't be able to breathe at all.

The answer to "why after 36 years" I was seeing this surgeon was obvious. It was not an accident that I found this web site, of course there are no accidents/coincidences. It was definitely a gift from God. If I had not been surfing the net, if I had not stumbled onto that web site, if I had not read those papers, I would never have known that I had a life threatening airway. My body had adapted so well that I was not aware that my airway was slowly shrinking due to scar tissue. As one of my sisters would later say, "who would have thought that the Internet would save your life?" Indeed, who would have? To some, it's just a toy for playing games. To many others, it is a "bad" thing because of the pornography, gambling and other negative things that we hear so much about. For me, it has been a means of communicating and getting information. I had never thought of it as a tool for healing, for seeing miracles happen. Now it has become another one of God's gifts to me and I am very grateful.

Another shock I received from the surgeon was that my right vocal cord no longer moves (although testing has shown it does have nerve impulses). I am what is known as aphonic, which means without voice. I make sound, not voice. He was not optimistic about improving my voice, but he can improve my airway. I can't imagine being able to breathe without effort. There are no words to express what this all means to me, so I guess only God and I know.

I thought I had grieved as much as I needed to in all the therapy I had in the 80's, but I discovered that some of the old grief was still there and new grief has been added over the years because of the loss of things I could never do as a result of my lack of voice and airway. I had not even talked about it in years because it seemed like I would be "beating a dead horse". And of course I had to play the strong, brave role too, even though I thought I had put all that behind me. So what should I do with all the overwhelming emotions that were washing over me in waves?

I decided to enlist the support of my friends and spiritual teachers. I sent an e-mail to Lyte and told her my story. I got a wonderful reply, so I sent her another and began to realize that she was extremely intuitive and was saying exactly what I needed to hear. I also realized that I was saying what I needed to hear. So for four days I sat at my computer and wrote, pouring out all my feelings as I would in a journal. The wonderful thing was that each time I sent an e-mail, I'd get a response that would trigger even deeper feelings. I got more and more insights every day... all of this on the Internet!!!

I also spent time each day praying and meditating. I didn't understand where some of my overwhelming feelings were coming from, so I would ask in my prayers and then listen in my meditations. I got answers each time I asked, and I would sit and cry and cry until I no longer needed to.

The possibility of getting a bigger airway and some voice is exciting, and it triggered every feeling I had when my voice was first injured. So I allowed myself to feel whatever I was feeling, to walk through the pain until I came out of the dark into the light. I was aware that if I let-go before I had gone through it, I would not get to the other side. I would stay stuck in the pain, in ignorance and unconsciousness. After "talking" with Lyte on the "Net" for several days, praying, meditating, then having a two hour face-to-face session with Chad, I felt much lighter, much less overwhelmed, and no longer afraid.

I am aware that this healing has just begun. I'll see Dr. Koufman in November and again in December, and if my vocal cords are no longer inflamed, he will schedule my first surgery to open up my airway for January. After my vocal cords have completely healed, he will perform a second surgery to restore some voice. Not a normal voice, of course, but more than a whisper. It doesn't seem real to me yet. I suppose it won't until I take that first deep full breath of air and speak those first words.

I continue to ask for support from my friends and spiritual family. I also continue to watch myself, to be an observer, as I continue this journey of exploration and healing.

So to my Unity family and to the rest of the Universe, I ask that you remember me in your prayers and hold me in the light as I continue my journey.