When Karen was twelve, her mother remarried. Her stepfather’s wedding gift to his wife was an eighty foot sailboat. After the wedding, they left for a circumnavigation of the world. When I spoke with her four years later, they were at their last port-of-call before returning to the U.S. I'd been interviewing children in the Caribbean on their inner thoughts and innate spirituality for a planned book. Karen told me how difficult the four years had been for her, living in a pressure cooker of emotions in a relatively small space with a new dad and a new life. Because she was virtually trapped and had to deal with all of the changes this entailed, she began having out-of-body experiences. The first happened when she was at sea, drying dishes. As she wiped a plate in a circular motion, she suddenly was transported to a dock at an unknown anchorage. Three days later, when they made landfall, it was the place of her vision. She was able to describe what waited ashore to her parents. It frightened all of them. Karen did not know what this was. She cried with relief when I explained and reassured her she was not alone such an experience, and referred her to books on the subject. Her family had reacted with such negativity, she 'd kept subsequent occurrences to herself.

I asked her, "What would you tell adults the world over that they should know about children?" Immediately she replied, "We’re human, too. You were once young. Realize we make mistakes, just like you did. We’re vulnerable and look to you for life, support and praise. We look for it from anyone, but it’s especially meaningful from our parents."

In Barry and Joyce Vissell’s Models of Love, they state, "We need to stop thinking that because we adults have been on this planet longer than our children, we have more to teach them than they have to teach us."

My teachers ranged in age from 2-18. I sent written interviews to children of friends in the United States to expand my study. Their insights helped me guide my own child in her socialization. I also learned how to open my heart, mind and eyes to how unwittingly we can crush a child’s spirit. And, what power there is in love.

"Mother makes me special because she loves me." Chevonne, age 8, radiated self-assurance when asked,"What makes you special?" Our most important gift to children may be our ability to instill self-esteem. "I’m God’s present to earth," Juline, age 9, responded to the same query. Whitney, a spiritually engaging 4 year-old, shouted, "I’M SOMEBODY! Mommy told me so! "

When we assure our children of their importance and unique gifts they have brought to the earth, we give them the strongest of foundations. Pablo Casals guides us in Joys and Sorrows:

We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In all of the world there is no other child exactly like you. In the millions of years that have passed there has never been another child like you. And look at your body - what a wonder it is! Your legs, your arms, your cunning fingers, the way you move! You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel.

One of the major ways we can show our appreciation of our children is to listen to what they have to say. Too often we listen with half of our attention. It is a negation of their importance. Seanna, 12, pointedly remarked, "Listen to your children. See what their questions are. Don’t just sit and watch TV and read the paper. Your children’s lives are more important, and their questions. They may not ask again! Talk about the books they read, and see what they think of them. Read together. Share."

With her words ringing in my ears, I made a conscious decision to hold family discussions at dinner and bed times. Daily, this allowed us two chances to resolve any turmoil or questions, as well as a chance to connect. I found that the bedtime discussion became a way to put off lights-out, so I had to modify that. We have small bedtime discussions, but cover the important issues earlier in the evening. Family discussions should be open to any concern. In over 300 interviews by Children First, youngsters 5-18 suggested parents talk to their offspring about important issues such as abortion, homicide, drugs, war, social welfare, education, law enforcement, and jobs. As we do this, we need to pay strict attention to how we listen to their responses. When we can truly listen without judgment, we honor their opinions. Meaningful communication allows both sides to speak and be heard. Michael, age 4, responded to his mother’s yelling at him with, "God told me that when you get like that and yell at me, I don’t have to listen." Dan Millman writes of his method of listening from the heart:

The next time someone talks with you, especially your children or someone else close to you, notice if you tend to space out or go on automatic pilot and anticipate what you think that person wants to say - and start formulating an answer. Stop thinking. Remain aware of your ears, and listen from your heart. Just listen, feel, and give that person your full attention, as if you had all the time in the world. Treat what that person says as vitally important.

Even though our children may be our pride and joy, we must remember they are not appendages of us, nor are they our reflection. If you can perceive them as the independent spirits they are, you will be more apt to accept what they feel, think, say, or want to be without needing to impose your control. Tammy, 2, said, "Mommy’s always mad. I dirty, eat dirt." It was late afternoon, and she was spotless in a pinafore, with pink ribbons in her hair. Obviously she and her mother did not agree on what her role as a child should encompass.

Be willing to lighten up. As children mature, we stress grades, accomplishments, and mapping out the future because of all we want for them. Children spoke with longing of childhood lost when parents push too hard. They also learn by our example. Paul, 16, said, "We come here (the Virgin Islands) to be in paradise. But our parents don’t take time to enjoy it. You are here to be in paradise! Grown-ups get caught up. I see my friends doing it: school, college, training, climbing up the ladder…a Mercedes… The grown-ups that are young at heart say, ‘That’s it!’ and completely turn around and change. Kids are open to a new way of life. And we’re doing it." Five years later, Paul represented the Virgin Islands in windsurfing at the Olympic Games at Atlanta.

When my daughter was a toddler, I realized that playing was a way to reach her on her level. She was much more willing to clean up her toys after we’d spent time playing together. The play was sometimes foolishness, but I allowed her at least an hour a week to designate our "Playtime" together. She selected the game. When she didn’t know what to do, I would just "follow the leader," and mimic her movements. She loved this game! We often became our most foolish selves, and had joyous romps throughout the house. When it was time for me to be mom again, she was willing to follow my lead. I also found these "role-reversals" allowed her to show what she was feeling, which her lack of verbal skill did not allow to be expressed.

Whether you are playing or listening, don’t forget to show your child your respect. Matt, a 17 year-old Californian said, "My message to adults is: If you want your kid to be mature and responsible, then treat him or her like they’re mature and responsible. If you treat them like a 2 year-old, then guess how they’re gonna act like and be?" Louann, 7, states, "Don’t be rude to kids. Talk nicely, and don’t spank them for no reason." Medisha, 9, adds, "We’re not as tough as you are."

In my own experience, I’ve been amazed at how quickly childhood ends. Our children want to grow -up quickly. I strive to help my child have as gentle a passage as possible. I try to keep in mind she is a child, when I find myself demanding too much from her. We have a life of cuddles, hugs and kisses, on a daily basis. She responds to this love with a pure, sweet, overflowing love of her own. I try to remember myself at her age, and not expect more of her than I would have expected of myself at that time. I realize how much modern society intensifies pressure and expectations on children, in ways we did not have to confront. And, I try to allow her to be as childlike as she will allow herself to be.

~Gabrielle & Ed Thompson live with their daughter Lyric at Eco-Cove, raising trout for sale and tending gardens on 117 acres in Marion, NC. Gabrielle also works in the McDowell Tech library and as a free-lance writer. The family relocated to N.C. from the Virgin Islands, where they spent 14 years hosting sailing tours on Satori, a 75' sailboat they built, with a singing parrot, Barnacle Bill.

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