A skunk found its way into Eco-Cove for the first time in our eight years here. For a few days the house reeked, and then one of the dogs took up the scent. My husband, Ed, brought out the Medicine Cards by Sams and Carson to see what skunk energy was trying to tell us. He read aloud: "It is reputation, based on respect. It is walking your talk, and having the self-esteem to protect yourself from the negativity of others, which helps to draw those of similar mind and pathway." He looked at me and said, "This seems to be for you."

If you read my column, you’ll know I am basically a happy person, very appreciative of my family and my home in Western North Carolina. As a transplant from California, via the Virgin Islands, I am especially aware of the varied and profuse beauty of these mountains, which is primarily what I write about. It is my connection to Spirit. Lately, relationships have had more emphasis in my life, and over the past two months they have not been peaceful. Coupled with an upcoming 50th birthday and a perimenopausal state, I have been having a very difficult time maintaining my equilibrium.

At times I am filled with rage, an emotion that is totally new to me. However, as I am dealing with influences and their effect on me, I am also trying to analyze why I feel such unaccustomed anger. Ed thinks it is menopause, yet his action of buying a boat without really talking to me about it was the catalyst that began this time of flux. The stew was already brewing; my mother moved her boyfriend out of her home in September because he faced colon surgery, was losing his memory, and was a pain to live with. I could understand her fear and irritation, but had warned it might not be what she really wanted. His family decided to move him to Colorado. I offered an evening a week after work as a "go-for," but explained I could not drop everything to run errands as Paul had previously done. Her reaction was anger, but she did become more independent. I felt that was good for both of us. However, her negativity blossomed, and I could not visit without being berated for not measuring up. By Christmas Eve it reached a climatic explosion between my husband and mother, resulting in their no longer speaking to one another.

My niece is getting married in May. I last saw her many years ago, when she was twelve. She lives in Utah where my brother, her father, settled not long after I left for the islands. My brother is a wonderful person, and we were very close growing up. My mother did not want to go to the wedding, as she was going on a cruise and would only be home for a week before the ceremony. I planned to go. My brother told mother he would be extremely mad if she did not come. So, she decided to take me, and we would stay in a hotel because she can not stand my sister-in-law or her relatives. I decided not to go. I felt, and said, taking my mother to the wedding would be like taking a powder keg to a fire. Mother is insistent that we go. I have realized I can not do what everyone else wants me to do anymore. I have to listen to what is right for me. At this point in my life I do not need added turmoil. It is possible I will balance my moods and hormones by then, and be able to go. But she is pushing for an answer now, so she can book flights and hotel accommodations. The answer, therefore, must be "No."

I’m trying various herbal relief for my moods. My paternal grandmother died from breast cancer, and my father was one of the rare 1% of men to have it, making it questionable for me to try hormone replacement therapy. The amazing thing is, as I have been dealing with this, I have found most of my friends are experiencing similar problems. Not necessarily hormonal, but emotional upset initiated by relationships. As I’ve listened to their complaints, I’ve realized we all are women who have spent our lives "giving" to others, meeting everyone else’s needs first, and not taking time to care for ourselves or to say, "No." It has also occurred to me that we are now expected to behave in that manner, whether or not it gives our family or us pleasure anymore.

Today I am struggling with "No" regarding my daughter. We have a great relationship, and I usually try to do what I can to accommodate her, as she does me. She has been my "rock" of unconditional love through my recent struggles. I told her last weekend I would not being going up to Unity for the next two Sundays, yet this morning she promised one of the Y.O.U. she would make a tabouli salad for Sunday. She was insistent; I kept saying "No." She had two girlfriends over who had spent the night. I’d brought home movies, made a great dinner and breakfast for them, and was busy cooking for a potluck. I could feel the rage start in the center of my chest. So far, Ed has been the only one to experience it firsthand. I thought, "Oh my God, what if I explode when her friends are here?" Ed saw my face, and told her to leave me alone. It started snowing. The girls would have loved being snowed in together; I suggested they call to be picked up now. The snow is, however, is an accepted excuse to not have to go anywhere!

I am so grateful for my loving, caring daughter. I hope I can find my way through this season of my life as a positive, meaningful learning experience—an approach that shows her menopause is not "bad" or "awful," but a time of inner growth. I hope I can deepen my spiritual side as I reach my age of wisdom, and do no harm to her or any of the other people I love as I make my journey.

I accepted the gift of Dao last Sunday after church. I’d just read The Te of Piglet, by Benjamin Hoff and, when I saw the offering of Dao, I jumped at the chance. I want to find my way back to peace and harmony, I want to find "The Way." Now I mutter a mantra as I walk, when I can’t sleep, when I try to meditate, or whenever I think of it.

It amazes me that I don’t think of it when the anger overwhelms me like a cloud. I think of Chad’s phrase, "Let your words be yes or no." As a person of many words, as a person who understands life by putting words to paper, it is a foreign action for me. Yet, I find my words seem to fall on deaf ears: I am no longer saying what the people in my life want to hear. So I am experimenting with "yes or no." It is very hard for me; I want to explain why or what I’m feeling. Now I state, "This is a hug day. Don’t talk, just hug." It doesn’t always work, but it is helping. Like any new practice, it takes time. A hug says, "I love you no matter what," without having to get into the emotional baggage of expression.