Short Subjects
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Stepping Into It

Last time I wrote, I was leaping with faith from a fairly secure five-plus-year job into my own business. Having been a dancer, I will stay with the movement motif to talk about stepping into the unpredictable rhythm of life in a combined family.

Eight years ago I married a man who had no children of his own and had been a bachelor for over ten years. My children were then just two and three years of age. With hearts swelling and love flowing, we began our life as a stepfamily not knowing any of the prerequisites. We didn't know what sort of issues we would encounter so we just improvised as we went along. In some situations that worked well; in others we reached a total impasse where everyone was doing a solo and there were no duets or collective movement pieces happening. We were in disharmony and out of sync with one another and ourselves.

Having started out with the stigma of "failing" in a previous marriage, it was difficult to reach out and ask for help as we stumbled and fumbled along. We had no role models, reference points or benchmarks to look toward. There were no lanterns in the woods shedding light on which path to take. With the love and respect my partner and I had for one another, we were confused about why things weren't working. We supposedly had all the right components and yet it didn't feel right. There was discomfort and conflict over disciplinary issues, finances and my ex-spouse. The music played on but no one knew quite how to join the dance.

One Sunday morning my husband was reading the newspaper and came across an article on stepfamilies with information about the Stepfamily Association of America. We were conscious enough to realize we needed some outside input and this felt like a safe venue, so we immediately joined the Association and anxiously devoured all their literature. What followed was a great sigh of relief as many of the emotions, behaviors and experiences we were having were totally normalized as we read about the 33 million other stepparents in the United States going through similar scenarios. As you know, whenever your process becomes normalized, you cease to feel as isolated and dysfunctional, and you stop beating yourself up and feeling like a failure. The Stepfamily Association obviously came into our lives as a blessed messenger to show us that our family, which was created out of an act of love, with no blood or legal ties between my husband and children, could not only succeed but flourish as well.

So the dance goes on for us, with duets between my husband and daughter, husband and son, and me and my children. There are times when we are all moving at the same pace and times when each or some of us have to dance alone. But now we know that all that is part of the process of evolving as a stepfamily, so we allow one another the necessary space.

The Trip

I had not planned on taking a trip this time of year and yet I found myself packing rather hurriedly. This trip was going to be unpleasant and I knew in advance that no real good would come of it. I am talking about my annual "Guilt Trip".

I got tickets to fly there on "WISHIHAD" airlines. It was an extremely short flight. I could not check my baggage. I chose to carry it myself all the way. It was weighted down with a thousand memories of what might have been. No one greeted me as I entered the terminal to the Regret City International Airport even though people from all over the world come here.

As I checked in to the Last Resort Hotel, I noticed that they would host the year's most important event, the Annual Pity Party. I was not going to miss that great social occasion. Many of the town's leading citizens would be there.

First, there would be the Done family, you know, Should Have, Would Have, and Could Have. Then came the I Had family. You probably know ol' Wish and his clan. Of course, the Opportunities would be present, Missed and Lost. The biggest family would be the Yesterdays. There are far too many to count, but each one would have a very sad story to share.

The Shattered Dreams would surely make an appearance. And It's Their Fault would regale us with stories (excuses) about how things had failed in his life, and each story would be loudly applauded by Don't Blame Me and I Couldn't Help It.

Well, I went to this depressing party knowing that there would be no real benefit in doing so. And, as usual, I became very depressed. But as I thought about all of the stories of failures brought back from the past, it occurred to me all of this trip & subsequent "pity parties" could be cancelled by ME! I started to truly realize that I did not have to be there. One thing kept going through my mind, I CANNOT CHANGE YESTERDAY, BUT I DO HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE TODAY A WONDERFUL DAY. I can be happy, joyous, fulfilled, encouraged, as well as encouraging.

Knowing this, I left the City of Regret immediately and left no forwarding address. Am I sorry for mistakes I have made in the past? YES! But there is no physical way to undo them. So, if you are planning a trip back to the City of Regret, please cancel all your reservations now. Instead, take a trip to a place called Starting Again.

I liked it so much that I have now taken up permanent residence there. My neighbors, the I Forgive Myselfs and the New Starts are so very helpful. By the way, you do not have to carry around heavy baggage, because the load is lifted from your shoulders upon arrival. God bless you in finding this great town. If you can find it ~ it is in your own heart ~ please look me up. I live on ICANDOIT street.

Smile!

She smiled at a sorrowful stranger.
The smile seemed to make him feel better.
He remembered past kindnesses of a friend
And wrote him a thank you letter.

The friend was so pleased with the thank you
That he left a large tip after lunch.
The waitress, surprised by the size of the tip,
Bet the whole thing on a hunch.

The next day she picked up her winnings,
And gave part to a man on the street.
The man on the street was grateful;
For two days he'd had nothing to eat.

After he finished his dinner,
He left for his small dingy room.
He didn't know at that moment
That he might be facing his doom.

On the way he picked up a shivering puppy,
And took him home to get warm.
The puppy was very grateful
To be in out of the storm.

That night the house caught on fire.
The puppy barked the alarm.
He barked till he woke the whole household
And saved everybody from harm.

One of the boys that he rescued
Grew up to be President.
All this because of a simple smile
That hadn't cost a cent.

For attractive lips, Speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, Seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, Share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, Let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise, Walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.
People, even more than things,
have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed.
Never throw out anybody.
Remember: if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands.
One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

Our little 9 1/2 pound dog had to spend a couple nights at the vet after being attacked by a German Shepherd. After her return home, my family thought it would be appropriate to send a "Thank-you" to the animal hospital, so I went to my favorite greenhouse to pick out something cheerful for the vet & staff. After deciding on a red geranium for them, I bought two. As I was driving toward the vet's, I berated myself a little for buying the extra flower. What was I going to do with another houseplant? We have more than enough to keep up with, and at this time of year, my thoughts turn to outdoor planting. It's too early to set out a geranium.

After delivering the potted flower, I went to buy the family groceries and was loading them into the car, when I noticed a woman loading groceries into her car next to mine. We finished at the same time, and I offered to take her cart along with mine back to the store.

When I got back to the car, I looked at that geranium sitting in my back seat and looked at the woman in her car. I took the flower over to her and asked if she would like to have it. She was surprised, of course, and asked why I was giving it away. I told her that I would probably let it die.

She said, "Well, you keep it and don't let it die." I told her to please take it and keep it alive. She thanked me, and as I walked away, she called me back and said, "I have to tell you something. A very dear friend of mine, an avid gardener, died this morning, and his favorite flower was the geranium."

She was crying as she told me this. She too loves geraniums and would take tender care of the flower that was her friend's favorite.

I had chills, knowing that I had been chosen to be the vehicle of comfort to her on that sad morning. We agreed that the geranium came from her friend to cheer her. God works in our lives.

I suffer from depression, and over the past couple weeks, had been feeling worthless and struggling with my faith. I don't know who received the bigger gift... the lady grieving the loss of her dear friend, or me, being allowed to be the messenger of comfort and faith. I thank God for giving both of us such a beautiful gift.

~ Cathy Stahl, Pisgah Forest