"To Laura, With Love"

To Laura, With Love,

You’ve graced my life on the periphery:
Brown eyes flashing,
dimples curled by your shy—at times sly—smile,
as you dance in the sidelines of my life.

Your spirit is strong,
Your pure voice is music of the angels,
Your talent is immense,
So, why is your joy so elusive?

Do you know what Grace you endow?
By grace, I do not mean perfection…
Perhaps that is the standard you hold to that is so overwhelming.
Your grace is in the person that you are, the connection to the beauty and divinity of life.
You are a gift to the World!

You have the power to make whatever you dream become reality,
to make life so SPECIAL that everyone will notice, and remember.
Take Heart, and know that you are loved by many.

Those of us who only see you occasionally still know
how IMPORTANT you are to our world—
and we care about you, and LOVE YOU.

– Gabrielle

"Laura" is a fifteen-year-old bulimic, the only child of a male co-worker, who is also a lay minister. I’ve known her for four years, and watched her cherubic beauty transform into angular planes of hallowed, pale skin. In seventh grade, she and three girlfriends made a bet to see who could lose ten pounds the fastest. Two of them are now bulimic. Her father despairs over each relapse, and the mounting medical bills. She has been hospitalized numerous times, with electrolyte imbalances, and heart palpitations. After a six weeks internment in a very expensive clinic in Arizona, Laura had a month stretch without purging. When she caught the flu, however, the regurgitation suffered in the illness began the cycle anew. Her parents are coping with $600.00 a month additional costs for a therapist, a nutritionist, tutors, and her clinic bills. (She cannot attend school full-time due to the perceived pressure she faces amongst her peers.) Laura was, and is, a straight A student. Her previously established college fund will be needed for medical bills. Her braces will be removed soon, but damage to her tooth enamel is quite likely. Her family is fearful about her chances of survival.

My own daughter is fourteen. We talk about peer pressure, and self-esteem. She knows we love her, and still accepts our hugs. Many of her friends are matchstick thin. They starve themselves to fit the mold of "beauty" established by our society. Like Laura’s bet, it is a game to be won, to be popular, to be better than the rest. The majority do not know the toll it will take on their lives. Youth never believes it can happen to them. My niece suffered from eating disorders. She too was hospitalized throughout her life. Her father, my brother, was very controlling, and withheld his love for minor infractions. He also displayed inappropriate affections. He divorced his wife and left when his daughter was a teenager, cutting all ties. In her twenties now, she has her disorder under control. However, due to the lack of proper nutrients during her growth years, she suffered three miscarriages in her attempt to conceive.

What can we do to help our daughters develop a good self image, and strong physique? How can we teach them to honor their spirit and inner voice? What we say is often greeted with, "Aw, mom, you just don’t understand!" And we may not; bulimia and anorexia are comparatively new disorders. We can try to understand who is at risk and why, and educate our daughters about the risks such behaviors carry.

According to Dr. Gregory L. Jantz, people with eating disorders have common traits and family backgrounds. In his book, Hope, Help & Healing for Eating Disorders, Dr. Jantz shares some of these characteristics. The mothers are usually controlling, and have a history of dieting or food abuse themselves. The fathers are either emotionally distant, or too close, using inappropriate emotional or physical connections. Family attitudes are rigid, with strict discipline and high expectations. Resultantly, the child is often a perfectionist, and feels she has to "measure up" to deserve love. Parents express their anger, but the child cannot. Dr. Jantz believes verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse are at the core of all eating disorders. Anorexics are not always aware of their problem, and delude themselves into thinking not eating is healthy. Bulimics are aware of their problem, but use regurgitation and diuretics/laxatives as a way to have some control, even if it is only over their body.

The list of problems resulting from these types of eating disorders is extensive. Our children need to know about the long range effects. The amount of harm done is dependent on the length of time the person suffers the disorder. Some of these problems are:

• Candida albicans , or a yeast infection of all mucus membranes. This infection thrives on sugar, so cravings for sweets results. It can cause depression, suicidal urges, diarrhea, acne, and pain in the digestive system. It often goes hand-in-hand with:
• Hypoglycemia, or swings in blood sugar. Symptoms are mood swings, sleeplessness, exhaustion, depression and blurred vision or loss of equilibrium.
• Food allergies, with asthma-like symptoms are also a possibility. In extreme cases, these can cause hallucinations and seizures.
• Severe tooth decay from the stomach acid eating away the enamel of the teeth. This may lead to the teeth having to be capped, or dentures.
• Loss of essential nutrients such as potassium, which regulates the heartbeat. This can result in heart attack. Also, it can cause an electrolyte imbalance, resulting in swollen hands and feet.
• Disruption of digestive enzymes, whereas food cannot be properly assimilated.
• Compounding addictions, such as dependence on diuretics, laxatives, and prescription medicine. Drinking, smoking and shoplifting are other possible addictions of those with eating disorders. Even an addiction to exercise is possible. Over-exertion from exercise can be problematic to a body that is malnourished.
• Esophagus rupture or tearing, and bleeding of the larynx is possible in the bulimic.
• Isolation due to secrecy and deception.
• Frail bones from the lack of calcium, leading to osteoporosis later in life. The anorexic usually stops menstruating.
• Overall stress on the body. When the body does not receive the nutrients it needs, it will consume itself. Once fat has been eliminated, it attacks muscle tissue, such as the heart. At the very least, the wearing down of the body can lower its resistance, leading to future diseases--such as cancer.

Teaching our children to listen to their inner voice can be difficult. First, we have to be willing to listen to them, giving assurance their opinion matters. Love, understanding, and acceptance are the keys to self image. When there is a sympathetic, non-judgmental ear to listen, the child has the sense of safety to find her own path. When it is O.K. to have an opinion, and there is the freedom to express it, the child learns to accept her innate spiritual guidance, instead of what is forced upon her. Asking open-ended questions such as, "How do you feel about it? What have you gained, or learned from the experience? How can you help?" allows the recipient to think for herself. Knowing that everyone makes mistakes, and in so doing learns, is a necessary aspect.

Another way to encourage inner exploration is to suggest journal or diary writing. Supporting the person’s dreams allows for the courage to try something new. In Reviving Ophelia,Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, Mary Pipher suggests using the North Star as a metaphor.

"You are in a boat that is being tossed around by the winds of the world. The voices of your parents, your teachers, your friends and the media can blow you east, then west, then back again. To stay on course you must follow your own North Star, your sense of who you truly are. Only by orienting north can you chart a course and maintain it, only by orientating north can you keep from being blown all over the sea. True freedom has more to do with following the North Star than with going whichever way the wind blows. Sometimes it seems like freedom is blowing with the winds of the day, but that kind of freedom is really an illusion. It turns your boat in circles. Freedom is sailing toward your dreams."

Connection to spirit, without guilt or fear as leverage, is the strongest foundation a child can have. Learning to care for and help others is another enrichment for self esteem, as it directs the consciousness away from the natural self-absorption of childhood. We must also analyze our culture’s, and the media’s, attitudes and rules toward women. Between peer pressure and the impact of marketing, our daughters believe they are only as good as their appearance—and it is seldom good enough. If we can set better examples maybe, just maybe, as adults they will live the Grace described in this passage from Maya Angelou’s poem, Phenomenal Woman:

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them
They think I’m telling lies.
I say
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That’s me.
~Maya Angelou