I work in a community college library. Yesterday, one of my regular patrons, a nursing student, asked me to recommend a book to "get lost in," as she needed a break from her required readings. I suggested one I had just finished, The Notebook.

"Is it a romance?"
"Yes," I replied, "but not a standard romance. It's about an elderly couple."
"No, thanks. I used to read romance books before I got married. Then I found out it was all fairy tales, and that stuff doesn't exist." Then she remembered the previous day had been her anniversary. She said her husband had not remembered either.

My husband and I forgot our anniversary once. It was our 14th, the year after our daughter was born. We celebrated her birthday with charter guests, and completely blanked out on our anniversary a week later. We were both chagrined when Ed realized it a few days after the occasion. Forgetting had been a result of being busy with the charter and focusing on our one-year-old daughter. However, we vowed never to let it happen again.

It occurred to me that the nursing student did not have a clue as to what romance really is. She expected her husband to be responsible for it. Her idea of romance was based on sappy novels which let her down when they did not reflect real life. Romance was something that "happened," not a creative endeavor.

Romance is commitment. It is dedicating your life to being there for another person, even in the hard times -- which is the most difficult part of romance. It is biting your tongue when something really doesn't matter, and most things don't when compared to a strong relationship. It is not judging another by your standards, and particularly not trying to "remake" that person to fit your image of how he or she should be.

Romance is kindness. A touch of the hand, a morning snuggle, a kiss good-bye, a kiss hello, a smile and your full attention are all aspects of romance. When my husband, Ed, brings me coffee in bed, or warms my car on a cold winter's morning, my heart swells with love for him. These acts of love are, to me, much more romantic than gifts of flowers or candy.

Telling the person you love them every day is a cornerstone, a basic building block. So is appreciation. Ed thanks me for every meal that I prepare, and usually compliments the taste or presentation. In doing so, he encourages my pleasure in cooking for him. It makes cooking a recognized act of love for my family. He does dishes, laundry, vacuums, and keeps the winter stove burning. We try to share the mundane efforts of housework, freeing ourselves for more pleasant business.

We have different interests. I love gardening and writing. He loves motorcycles. We do what we enjoy, but spend time doing things together. A walk or a shared sunset can be a special moment. We hold hands. In fact, we touch each other often. We delight in our physical attraction to one another. As we age and our bodies change, we accept the process with equanimity and love.

Romance is talking to each other. We did away with television after hurricane Hugo initiated its demise. In the evenings we read, and we talk. We eat our meals at a table as a family, and we talk. We make decisions as a team regarding our direction, finances, and future. And, we work in unison to make our dreams come true. We laugh a lot, even though we have different senses of what is funny. But, we appreciate each other's humor.

We don’t always agree. When we can’t reach a compromise, we set it aside for awhile, in the hope that time will bring more perspective. We try to never belittle or demean one another, especially to another person. I am very uncomfortable when I am with people who put each other down, even in subtle ways. Yet, many couples do exactly that. I try not to complain about personality quirks in my mate that irritate me, as I know I have many that he overlooks. There are times when I react with "hurt feelings" to something he says and I vent with my closest woman friend. This only is beneficial when it brings awareness as to how I am relating, instead of the sympathy I am subconsciously requesting.

We share parenting duties and decisions. Children can become an Achilles' heel in a romantic relationship by playing parents against each other. We may defer to one another, "Ask your father," but once a decision has been made by either parent, it is sacrosanct.

We have been together 28 years this summer. In the second year of our relationship, a friend of Ed's wrote us a letter after spending a week in our home. He said he hoped someday he would find a love like ours -- one of adoration, joy, and respect. While chartering over 14 years, many guests told us our relationship was an inspiration in that we could work side by side 24 hours a day, every day, and obviously love being together. I have watched couples who began with the same fervor of romantic love, yet let it die in choking need, nagging, ingratitude, arguing, recrimination or sometimes, just boredom with routine.

We are not perfect. But we are conscious of what we have, and we nurture it. When I was young, I never thought that anyone else could love as completely as we loved each other. As I grow older, I discover I was wrong. Because, somehow, our love keeps expanding. To quote Suzy Wong, "He's crazy, mad about me, for goodness sake!" And, I'm crazy, mad about him.