"Why Me?"

I recently received an e-mail from one of our Unity members titled "Wounded To Grow". This triggered memories from long ago as well as my recent past which I'd like to share with you.

You might have seen me in church and wondered what my problem was. I have a tracheostomy, which in layman's terms is a "breathing tube". Some of you already know, but for those of you who don't, I 'd like to tell you why I have a tracheostomy (trach) without going into great detail.

In 1961 I was in a head-on auto collision and my larynx (voice box) was crushed. I had a trach for 15 months at that time, but after multiple surgeries it was removed and I was able to breathe without it. The main problem was so much scar tissue had developed in my airway that it was too small to get enough air through it. The other problem was I could not, and would never be able to, speak above a loud whisper.

A few months before the trach was removed, I entered nursing school. A few years later I completed school and became a Registered Nurse. In 1965 I began working as a nurse, got married and had two children, now 31 and 32 years old. Many years later, in 1997, we discovered that scar tissue had developed again and I had to have another tracheostomy. After five years of multiple surgeries, the trach is now permanent. As you might imagine, this has changed my life.

Sometimes people ask me if I ever ask "why me?" Now I reply, "Why not me?"

What makes anyone so special that they think nothing "bad" should ever happen to them? Suffering of any kind is part of being Human. I feel fortunate that I don't have cancer or some other terminal illness. The thing some people don't realize is that with all the "bad" stuff comes a whole lot of Gifts and Grace.

I remember writing in my journal as a child something I had read in the Methodist Upper Room. It said, "Into each life some rain must fall". I guess I knew as a child that we are all going to be given challenges that will seem impossible for us to deal with, but we do deal with them and survive and we always come out of whatever it is with more knowledge, wisdom and understanding than we ever thought possible. Maybe this quote prepared me, unconsciously, to believe that I would survive the pain of living in my family of origin, and that I was not the only one who experienced pain. I'm sure I did not consciously know this.

I used to wonder what my life would have been like if I had not had this accident. My answers were: I would not have been led to become a nurse; I would not have worked in Augusta, GA so I would not have met nor married, Don, the most wonderful man I've ever known; I would not have had our two beautiful children, Keith and Happy; I would not have lived in Brevard where so much of my healing has taken place; etc. I could go on and on.

I also thought of other things that could have happened that seem so much worse. For instance, I have a first cousin who is schizophrenic and lived for years in a state psychiatric hospital.

So how can I say that the accident was a "bad" thing that happened to me. Unpleasant, inconvenient, sometimes painful, but not bad. And how can I say now "Why Me?"

I do believe that "why me?" is part of the grief process we need to go through before we can heal. There was one point during my healing process where I did say "why me", but that was during my grief process and was short-lived. I believe anyone who says they've "never" said "why me" is probably stuck or has taken what I call a Spiritual By-pass.

I've met people who have not been prepared for the BIG challenges in their lives. They seem to have lived what might be called "charmed" lives in which they've never failed at anything or never experienced the painful challenges that teach us and prepare us for life. When I meet or think about these people, I feel grateful because I was given the opportunities to face, survive and learn from some very painful challenges which are what made me who I am today.

In regard to the article, "Wounded To Grow", I believe we are all wounded and one of our missions in life is to use these wounds to learn and grow, to heal. Believe it or not, I am grateful for everything that has happened in my life whether they were negative or positive challenges... especially the so-called "negative" ones because that's when I've received many gifts, gained the most widsom and experienced the most Grace.

As Don, my husband, often says, "GRACE HAPPENS".

~Linda Lander is a Certified Holistic Nurse who lives in Brevard, NC, and attends Unity.